https://bahaiteachings.org/the-farmer-the-first-active-agent-in-human-society/

I have worked in agricultural development and agricultural extension in South Africa for four decades, and I've learned something profound: it's the farmer, not the farm.

I started in the arid plains in North-western South Africa, hanging on the edge of the Kalahari, where I attempted to apply university training in Agricultural Business together with my expanding understanding of the Baha'i teachings on agriculture and development.

Two of the most oft-cited passages in this connection come from Abdu'l-Baha:

The question of economics must commence with the farmer and then be extended to the other classes inasmuch as the number of farmers is far greater than all other classes. Therefore, it is fitting to begin with the farmer in matters related to economics for the farmer is the first active agent in human society. – Abdu'l-Baha, from a tablet to an individual Baha'i, October 4, 1912.

First and foremost is the principle that to all the members of the body politic shall be given the greatest achievements of the world of humanity. Each one shall have the utmost welfare and well-being. To solve this problem we must begin with the farmer; there will we lay a foundation for system and order …. – Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 312.

Note that Abdu'l-Baha did not say we must commence or begin with the farm. He deliberately said to begin not with the farm, but with the farmer – with the human being that lies behind the entire agricultural industry upon which so much of any economy rests, and upon which all humans base their sustenance.

I grew up in Hollywood, amidst a family of movie actors and entertainers. I happened upon this advice about farmers as a Baha'i youth, and it inspired me to study agriculture. Ever since I was five years old, I knew I would someday live in Africa – hopefully in service to bettering the lot of the African people. Agriculture would get me there. But, being an average person and, then, of little experience, I, like so many others in my field, equated the farmer with the farm. So, I, like so many others, studied agricultural production and agricultural economics.

As planned, after studying, I took my ambition to serve to Africa. I arrived in 1979. Only then did I truly start to learn. When I had about 10 years of practical experience working with poor farmers in the area where I had settled, and had seen failure after failure of farm-based agricultural development programs, I began to question the premise upon which those programs were based – the dominant paradigm – which was, essentially, “begin with the farm.”

During the 1980s and '90s, I became involved (first as an economist and later as extension manager) in a collection of projects involving 70000 hectares (around 170,000 acres) of mostly maize production, where the goal was the development of over 3000 farmers. We invested more than $110 million in U.S. dollars, a current value of about $1 billion. The indicator of development: an increase in yield as measured by the amount of crops delivered to the silo. That typical state-managed estate project entailed mechanization packages based on grouping farmers in economically viable farming units, land rehabilitation, and highly-managed farming – all premised on an analysis of the farm itself.

This approach had two effects. First, it caused the project managers to override the training programs because increasing yields through training took too long, and because they were being evaluated (and remunerated) on the basis of deliveries to the silo. So, the project managers effectively took over the farms and farmed for the goal of increased production, at the expense of the human development objectives. In short, they worked to task based on what was being measured, highlighting that both the starting premise and its attending indicators are critical drivers in development planning and action.

Recent studies have shown that the farmers in that area have not advanced much in terms of income and standard of living. Ironically, a few years ago, I had a student from the area whose business (as a contractor) is to plough, plant, harvest and otherwise manage the very same farms for which I was responsible. This student was a child of one of the then-project managers who had worked for me. He did the same work his father had done, only now for the children of the farmers we had tried to “develop.” The focus remained on farming according to the capacity of the farm – on behalf of the farmer.

The second effect: the farm-production-based approach resulted in a measurable decline in the nutritional status of the very farm families whose yields had been successfully increased through the project.

The problem, we discovered too late, came from focusing the project on economic production within a predetermined technology package, based on an assessment of the farm. Following this approach, we bound the farmer to paying off the loan for the required technology. That meant he had to deliver all the maize to the silo; with the profits paid back to the farmer. The problem was that, in that community, food was the purview of women; cash was the purview of men – and the vast majority of the farmers were men.

Prior to the project, women harvested food for the family and then sold the surplus. But the development project I worked with required all the maize to be sold. The result: although there was more cash in the household, there was less food. Clearly, the problem was not with increased production. The problem was the plan that did not consider or take into account the impact of the project on the larger family system – we had assessed the farm, not the farmer.

Another project involved about 100 individual farmers being allocated 100ha (250 acres), of which three quarters would be planted in peanuts and one quarter in maize. It was located in an area known as Marapyane. In those days, I was just learning Setswana, the local language. At one of the meetings with the farmers, I kept hearing them say something that I could only hear as “no grow groundnuts.” I did not know if they were refusing to grow groundnuts, or if they knew that groundnuts would not grow there. I only knew it sounded like an intense statement. I tried to raise the matter with the agronomists in charge of project planning. They dismissed the information out of hand because they had done their research and tests and studies and had confirmed the suitability of the soil for growing maize and groundnuts. They had analyzed the farm. So, the project went ahead. A year later, when the entire peanut crop failed due to inexplicable reasons, I understood what the farmers had meant: “groundnuts do not grow here.” It was one of my earliest lessons in learning to listen to the farmer and to honor what he knows. Honoring local knowledge became an important part of my understanding of agricultural extension. I learned a real lesson: begin with the farmer.

The point of all this means that millions of dollars were spent developing farms, not farmers – with the net results being unsustainable, and producing little or no advancement for the farmer or the farmer's family. All of this, simply because we began with the farm and not the farmer.

Put briefly, after years of throwing agricultural technology at poor farmers (based on an assessment of their farms), the condition of those farmers remains largely unchanged; they're still poor, resource-challenged and disenfranchised from much of the economy. The South African government acknowledges agricultural development's failure to have any significant impact among poor farmers. Yet, although current policy claims to now attempt to target the farmers themselves, assumptions underpinning policy remain grounded in a paradigm that inherently values production and technology – based on an assessment of the farm – over developing farmers based on an assessment of the farmer.

After years of evidence that it does not improve things for the masses, we still think the answer is to start with the farm. We use new words, but rely on the same paradigm.

So, then, what's the answer? The answer rests in a radical saying of the 1960s: subvert the dominant paradigm, which means a fundamental change in thinking that begins with the farmer.

Author's note: I'd like to thank my son Cunningham Worth for his thoughtful contributions to this essay.

https://bahaiteachings.org/if-all-development-begins-with-the-farmer-we-should-too

After all of our work with farmers in South Africa over decades, we realized that the answer rests in a radical saying of the 1960s: subvert the dominant paradigm.

This means a fundamental change in thinking – rather than first considering the farm land itself, we need to begin with the farmer.

But what does it mean to “begin with the farmer”? The other dominant paradigm in maximizing agricultural production was training. But without going into countless stories of training that led nowhere, I concluded that commencing with the farmer required engaging farmers on a much more profound level than offering mere training.

It actually required learning rather than training – and not only learning by the farmer, but learning by the trainers, as well, in a spirit of humility, fellowship and love:

… we should look upon others with respect … The teacher should not consider himself as learned and others ignorant. Such a thought breedeth pride, and pride is not conducive to influence. The teacher should not see in himself any superiority; he should speak with the utmost kindliness, lowliness and humility, for such speech exerteth influence and educateth the souls. – Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 30.

The difference between training and learning may sound like semantics, but it is not. When we learn to drive a car, first we are educated about the basics and the rules. Then we get practical training. Then we take a test and get a license. But any parent will tell you that education and training in driving, even having a license, does not equal truly learning and knowing how to drive.

Learning occurs when the student actively engages in internalizing theory, practice and experience – along with a knowledge and acceptance of the consequences and outcomes. That kind of deep learning occurs over a long period of time, both before and after getting a license. Training is not the same as education; education is not the same as learning.

I myself learned that if we focus on building the capacity of farmers, through promoting learning, then all other goals will be achieved eventually, and, more importantly, sustainably. We begin with the farmer and then extend this model of learning to the other classes in society. From a Baha'i perspective, by laying this “foundation for system and order” we can begin to create a just economy in which “all the members of the body politic shall be given the greatest achievements of the world of humanity” – Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 312.

All of this means we have to stop measuring progress solely by numerical indicators. Irrespective of whether the numbers are good or bad, numbers provide us with a false sense of security or certainty. It just seems easier to measure progress, or the lack thereof, using numbers. But, as with the development of agriculture, any effective community-building program really concerns itself with the people in the program – with the farmer, not the farm.

We can take some pointers from Baha'i community-building programs, which include three key areas of learning:

• First, learning to increase the capacity of individuals to pray and study the Baha'i writings, to apply them in their daily lives, and to bring themselves to account by meditatively reflecting daily in that praxis. This learning most preciously gets expressed in acts of service to others.
• Second, learning to increase the capacity of the community to engage in collective action, motivated by a shared vision – again expressed in acts of collaborative service characterized by accompaniment and celebration of the accomplishments of others.
• Third, learning to increase the capacity of social institutions to coordinate individual and collective action and, most importantly, to create an environment conducive to a joyful commitment to learning and service.

Along the way, individuals can better learn how to engage in meaningful conversations instead of mundane gossip, and how to contribute rather than only take from society. Communities can learn better how to integrate spiritual principles and virtues with their collective material pursuits. Institutions can learn better how to stop relying exclusively on numerical goals, read the reality of their communities, govern with justice, love and integrity, and adhere to principles while creating flexibility.

The key to all this: begin with the farmer and not the farm.

Author's note: I'd like to thank my son Cunningham Worth for his thoughtful contributions to this essay.

Anyone who has ever written a paper, article, or book knows the pain of proofreading.

It takes time, concentration, and worst of all -- it's boring. But it's necessary. There are few things so embarrassing in the writing world as a typo, especially when a ton of people are bound to read it (the worst was a pretty glaring typo I found in a New York Times Bestseller…). So, whether you are a student looking to improve your paper, a new writer looking to get your first book done, or a seasoned professional who has written hundreds of documents, these short and quick steps will help you improve your writing overnight.

Take breaks
Repetitive tasks cause mental fatigue, and proofreading is no exception. Be sure to take breaks from proofreading to be sure that your accuracy stays sharp. Ideally, a day between revisions is a great bet, but sometimes even a few minutes is enough.

Read backwards
Our brains tend to fill in a lot of missing information and correct for minor mistakes. We filter out a lot in an effort to reduce mental strain, so it can be tough to see errors when reading the same piece for a long time. When looking for word errors, try starting at the end and read backwards to trick your brain into reading each word on its own.

One line at a time
I've already mentioned mental fatigue twice, but I really can't stress how much it impacts us every day. Looking at a massive wall of text creates a daunting feeling, as well as leaving openings for eye to get distracted. By taking it one line at a time, you're more likely to spot errors and stay focused.

Read out loud
Proofreading is not editing, so you're not generally looking to fix phrases or refine ideas, but the act of reading aloud changes the way you process information and can help you see (and hear) things that you might have missed.

Get a second opinion
Even doctors get consults, so why not proofreaders? For professional proofreaders, they're already the second opinion on a piece of writing, but there's still no harm in getting someone else to take a look, especially if you're proofreading a lot of volume. Having a second pair of eyes can help you catch errors you might have missed.

Title: Why Is Saffron So Expensive? | Creator: INSIDER

[0:00]
Narrator: This is saffron. And just one pound of it can cost you five thousand dollars. It’s easily the world’s most expensive spice. The next most expensive spice? Vanilla, at about six hundred dollars a pound. So, what makes saffron so wildly expensive?

[0:18]
Narrator: For starters, saffron is a complicated spice to harvest.

[0:21]
Arrash Ghalehgolabbehbahani (voice-over): My name is Arrash Ghalehgolabbehbahani. I am a postdoctoral research associate at the University of vermont. To harvest the saffron, you need a lot of hand work to pick up the flowers, separate -- saffron is the dehydrated or dry stigma. The stigma is the female part of the flower. You have to separate the stigma, dry that. And for all of these procedures you need hand works, laborers. I prefer to harvest the flowers by hand because I don’t like to damage the other parts of the plants.

[0:57]
Narrator: Saffron comes from the Saffron Crocus flower and each flower has three red stigmas - that’s the saffron.

[1:04]
Ghalehgolabbehbahani: The yield of saffron is really low. You know, you have to hire a lot of laborers to harvest four pounds of saffron per acre. That’s nothing.

[1:14]
Narrator: Just one pound of saffron requires one-hundred and seventy thousand flowers. The purple flowers bloom over a six week period, from late September to early December. There’s also a specific time of day to harvest them.

[1:28]
Ghalehgolabbehbahani: When we have a higher relative humidity in the air, so, it can affect the saffron, uh, saffron quality. Also, sunlight can break the chemical structure in the saffron. So, we prefer to harvest the saffron early morning every day, or, if you don’t have flowers every day, every two days.

[1:51]
Narrator: Ninety-percent of the world’s saffron is grown in arid fields in Iran. But harvesting all that saffron comes at a price.

[1:59]
Ghalehgolabbehbahani: Why Iran is the main producer of saffron? Because workers are available and they are cheap. In somes parts, it’s like slavery; you know their behavior with laborers. I hate that, I should say. Based on my experience, you know, they usually, workers came to the farm in Iran around 5, 6 a.m. and they left around 4 p.m.

[2:29]
Narrator: Most saffron harvesters are women, getting paid a maximum of five dollars a day.

[2:36]
Narrator: Saffron is not only grown in Iran. It’s grown in Morocco, Spain, Italy, the Netherlands, Afghanistan, India, and even in the United States. Why the U.S.?

[2:50]
Narrator: Though many Americans have never eaten saffron, the U.S. imported twenty-five tones in 2013 and forty-six tons in 2016.

[2:58]
Ghalehgolabbehbahani: I knew that saffron has a good resistance to the cold weather. If you cover the Vermont state with a layer of plastic, you will have the same situation that we have in Iran.

[3:12]
Narrator: What’s so great about saffron? Over centuries, it’s proven useful in many situations. Saffron is most commonly used in cooking.

[3:20]
Ghalehgolabbehbahani: As an Iranian, everyday we use saffron in our dishes, you know. We cook with saffron a lot. So far I couldn’t find an alternative for the taste of saffron.

[3:32]
Narrator: It gives paella its signature flavor and golden color. It’s also used in broths, breads, and marinades. When saffron is broken down, it creates a golden dye.

[3:42]
Ghalehgolabbehbahani: Everything is not just about saffron production procedures. Saffron contains some chemical components which are really expensive, like picrocrocin, crocin, and safranal. They are three main components or compounds which are responsible about the taste and color and smell of saffron. You know, when we are talking about saffron quality, technically we are talking about these three chemical components. Saffron inherently is a valuable thing.

[4:18]
Narrator: People have tried passing turmeric, red marigold petals, and lily flower stigmas as saffron, but the flavor and dye is totally different. In large quantities can be a potent happiness-inducing narcotic and research suggests it may help reduce the symptoms for Alzheimer's, depression, and PMS. Who knew this little spice packed such a punch?

Investing Community

Our community, local and across the nation, includes new and experienced investors. Decades of experience or just starting out, all are welcome!

National Networking

You will not only have a local community, but a nationwide network of over 30'000 investors. This powerful network has communities across the nation.

Webinars

We host frequent webinars to support our community. Ask questions, raise capital, assess deals, collaborate - find what you need to keep moving forward!

Weekly Meetings

At our weekly meetings, newcomers can learn about our community, and our community members can come together to mastermind deals and opportunities. Find like-minded investors and do some deals!

Weekly Tours

Every weekend we showcase a real and ongoing investment. Learn how we found the property, how we funded it, and our exit strategy. Ask our community members all of the questions you have about the reality of investing.

Monthly Intensives

We bring in one of our educational instructors to train our community in their specialized topic. Get direct access to the instructors and get their expert insights.

Investing Education

We have the best education available to give you the knowledge and insights needed to get started in real estate investing. Learn from experts with practical experience and knowledge, all at your own pace.

Financial Education

Not only will you learn about investing, you'll learn how to use the tools the wealth have used for decades. Learn how to structure businesses, mitigate taxes, and understand the law so you can maximize your time, resources, and security.

Creative Strategies

Collaborate with our community members on deals using different strategies - learn when to use which strategy and how to structure deals. Almost any property can become a deal with flexibility and creativity.

Building Wealth

We don't just care about profits now. We want to make sure you grow your wealth far into the future. Learn the strategies to build wealth made to last generations.

We love simplicity. Good and bad, right and wrong, easy and hard, fast and slow.

With all of the pressures of life bogging us down, keeping things simple helps us maintain a modicum of control and conserve what little precious energy we have left.
Yes this desire for simplicity can lead us to misunderstandings and greater frustration than intended. When we fall into polarized thinking, all-or-nothing, black-or-white, we overlook the nuance of ourselves and others, grossly oversimplifying and thus at best missing out on the richness of life, and at worst preventing ourselves from living at all.

What does it look like?

Polarized thinking is a practice in extremes. Things are either all good or all bad - work was either filled with accomplishments or a dreaded waste of time, dinner was either gourmet or unfit for vermin, a conversation was either flawless or the worst fight of your life, the movie was either a masterpiece of modern art or a sign of the cultural end-times.

The thing is, polarized thinking isn’t actually about that happened. It’s about what you expected. You wanted an outcome, you didn’t get it, so therefore the entire experience was a net loss. When you mount those expectations upon yourself or others, you serve only to set up the situation for failure.

Furthermore, you set yourself up for an endless cycle of starting and stopping, starting and stopping. For if even one thing goes wrong, the entire attempt is a failure and you must start again from scratch. Thus you begin the endless and excruciating cycle of never actually accomplishing anything - and feeding into your own polarized thinking as a result.

What can we do about it?

Now it’s not all bad (ha). It’s hardly impossible a task to accomplish, and hardly an obstacle impossible to overcome. There are a number of steps you can take to work through the process of shifting from polarized thinking to a more nuanced and kind method of drawing conclusions.
So here’s the steps. And don’t worry, we’ll go into more detail for each:

1. Recount the situation
2. Look for “all-or-nothing” words
3. Identify your emotions
4. Challenge your words
5. Choose new words

Step 1: Recount the Situation

Look back at your situation, write it down if you have to. But you’re looking for facts, not how you feel. Identify what did happen, not what might happen, might have happened, or how you qualify it. You’re not considering success and failure, just the literal events.

Here’s an example:
You burned your dinner while cooking. The food is now inedible. You tell yourself, “I'm no good at cooking. I always burn everything.”
The facts are simple: you burned the food.

Another example:
You’ve started an exercise regimen. You’ve had two successful days of working out, but today you just weren’t feeling it. Work got busy, you needed to clean your home, and you just couldn’t find the time to work out. So you say, “I can’t commit unless I can focus 100% on exercising. I’ll never progress otherwise. I’ll start over next week.”
The facts? You didn’t exercise.

Step 2: Look for “all-or-nothing” words

Now look back on the words you used to describe your situation and how you feel about it. Look for words like “always,” “never,” “100%,” or “impossible.” These are the keywords that fuel polarized thinking. These are the things you tell yourself about what happened and how you feel about it. Now you need to call them out and identify them.

Step 3: Identify your emotions

Next you need to identify what you are feeling. This is different from all-or-nothing words. Those reinforce you feelings, but don’t actually help you understand those feelings. Instead you want to look for other emotions (skip anger, look deeper than that). Look for things like frustration, fear, annoyance, even relief or comfort.
Try to list out these feelings and understand how they are affecting you and your ability to move forward.

Step 4: Challenge your words

It is highly unlikely that you “always” or “never” do something. So we need to challenge the use of those words. It helps to look back on times you accomplished what you set out to in order to temper your inclination to jump into the all-or-nothing mindset.
From the examples above: You’ve likely cooked food without burning it before. Thus “I always burn my food” is categorically untrue. Further, you missed a day of working out, but you managed two days where you did manage to exercise. Thus you have two successes to counter your one misstep.
Now tell yourself these things. Be firm but kind.

Step 5: Choose new words

Now that you have an understanding of the words you are using and the feelings you are experiencing, you can replace your phrases with more helpful ones. This step is twofold: pick new emotions you want to feel, and find new words to encourage you.
Look for feelings like excitement, optimism, eagerness, or even curiosity. Then replace your all-or-nothing phrases completely.
Here’s some examples to help: “Well, I messed up the food that time. Oh well, it happens. I’ll try it again differently this time” or “Shoot, the day really got away from me. No problem! I’ll be sure to exercise even a little bit tomorrow.”

The point here is to find the patterns of thinking that encourage you to keep moving forward. Even if you have to take smaller steps or go slower, the important thing is that you keep moving. And while you’re moving, remind yourself that you can.

We have a funny relationship with change. It’s crucial to our growth, but it terrifies us. It can make us better, yet we fear it.

Change is a natural part of life. It’s everywhere, all the time. We know about it, we expect it. For the most part, we accept change as a part of who we are. But sometimes, in our understanding of the universality of change, we attempt to impress upon others that same reality. We know we must change, so it is natural to expect that others must change as well.

The true problem emerges when we shift our focus from ourselves to others. We look to them to change - their thoughts, feelings, actions - and to bring us joy as a result. We attach ourselves, our self-esteem, self-concept, and self-worth to the changing of others. This removes from us the power we have to remain joyful, happy, and fulfilled, instead leaving us with anxiety, dread, consternation, and betrayal.

What does it look like?

This fallacy of change, as it is called, is the unrealistic expectation that changing others will bring us the answers we seek. Our success and happiest rests on other people changing themselves, and therefore we must impress change upon others in order to achieve that success and happiness.

This fallacy is one that relies on a simple idea: “I will be happier when something changes.” Let’s look at some examples:

“I will be happier when…”

• I get a raise
• I get a job
• I get married
• I do less housework
• I get a vacation
• I graduate

We maintain this belief that when we get something, life will be better, we will be happier. But there are a number of problems with this thinking. First, we set imprecise or incomplete goals, thus we never actually achieve satisfaction. It then becomes an endless cycle because the goalpost is being moved every step of the way. Look:

• I do less housework → how much is “less”? Who else will do it?
• I get a vacation → unknown date, time, and duration; depends on your employer
• I graduate → not accounting for life after graduating: employment, etc.

Second, despite the fact that all of the above examples imply personal ownership (“when I do something” - I get a job, I get a raise, I graduate), they are actually statements that strip us of ownership and power. Why? Because the use of “I” is really a veiled way of saying “them” - because they depend on other people making decisions. Let’s break it down:

• I get a raise → my boss gives me a raise (you can’t give yourself one)
• I get a job → someone gives me a job (you can’t force someone to choose you)
• I get married → someone shares my life with me (you pawn off your happiness on someone else)

Sometimes we’re even more blatant about our expectations about others changing to make us happier:

• When my partner treats me better
• When my child is more grateful
• When my friend agrees with me more
• When my boss stops pushing me
• When my teacher gives me better grades

We place our happiness and measure of success in the hands of things that rely on other people to take action, then assume that it will make us happy. This invariably leads to a frequent feeling of powerlessness, shame, frustration, and hopelessness.

What can we do about it?

There are several principles that are key to overcoming the fallacy of change: acceptance, responsibility, boundaries, and forgiveness. Let’s look at these one at a time...

Acceptance: you must accept one thing - people might never change. It might be a tough pill to swallow, but it is entirely possible that the people around you will never change to suit your needs, and your continued efforts to get them to change will only foster alienation. Instead, recognize and accept that people are who they are for the moment.

Responsibility:only you are capable of bringing yourself happiness. Others people might make it easier or foster a supportive environment, but only you can actually cause happiness to occur within you. Nobody else can force that on you, so there is no sense in putting them in the unfair position of being responsible for you.

Boundaries: knowing your own limits and the limits of other people is crucial in this exercise. You need to be able to draw clear delineations, not only in how you expect others to feed into your happiness, but also how you are going to change yourself in order to find what you are looking for. Don’t compromise safety or health in order to be happier, that just leads to other issues.

Forgiveness: you will make mistakes. Other people will make mistakes. Resentment, loathing, or annoyance only create more anguish. No matter the target of your frustration, forgiveness will allow you to refocus your time and energy on more constructive pursuits and find the success and happiness you seek, rather than remaining trapped in a maelstrom of unfair and unrealistic expectations.

When you practice these principles, you become freed from your fetters that chain you to the frustration of failure and unfulfilled expectations. You will learn to let go of your expectations of others and instead turn inward and recognize your own power and mastery over your success and happiness.

When you take a hit, it hurts. Even the thickest skin can be pierced by scathing-enough words, and the hardest stone will eventually be worn down under the constant friction of insult or criticism.

You’re here because you’re hurt. Someone did or said something that pieced your shields and hit you at your core. Whatever it is they did, it has settled into your mind and made a home there. Whether it’s at the front of your mind, or lingering in the back, it’s there. And you want it gone.

So here are some ideas for you to play with. I’ve divided them into phases, each with some steps. You can do the steps in any order, but try to do the phases as they’re laid out.

Pregame

There is really only one thing you need to do here: accept your feelings.
It doesn’t matter if you love them or hate them, whether they are fair or not. It doesn’t matter if you feel you are right or wrong. Your feelings are real, and that’s okay.
Take a moment to acknowledge that you are feeling what you are feeling. Those feelings are never going to change if you fight them. So best shake hands and make peace. Agree to disagree if you have to, but respect that they exist. If I argue and tell you that you’re wrong, are you inclined to listen to me? Of course not. Chances are, that’s exactly what got you into this situation in the first place. You’re far more likely to hear me out if I’m pleasant and understanding. So be nice to your feelings and accept their presence.

Phase 1 - Rebuild

Once you’ve accepted your feelings, they’ll be willing to listen. Once they’re able to listen, they’re able to change. Rebuilding is about getting yourself back to a baseline, back to functioning status so you can actually make things happen. Got it? Good. Now that that’s settled, and you’re willing to change what you’re feeling, try these steps:

1) Acknowledge that the person who hurt you might never change. It sucks, but it’s true, and it can help you detach from the situation and separate their behavior from your feelings. We can’t force others to change, and nor should we try. Them changing doesn’t undo the hurt you feel, and relying on someone else to make you happy is a recipe for disaster. Bonus, if they DO change, then you get a happy surprise to add to your life.

2) Recognize that people often use words or tones in ways they don't mean, or in ways that hint there are other issues going on. People are generally passable at communicating on a day-to-day basis. But one aspect of communication is that we tend to put ourselves and baggage into our words, and we inadvertently create personal idioms. The problem is that, without context, the true meaning is lost. And when this miscommunication occurs, people can get hurt. Showing others empathy without taking on their burden can ease some of the pain of their words and behavior. Plus, it helps you feel better because you are doing a kind thing for someone else!

3) Say "thank you" to your feelings. Gratitude goes a long way, and is the theme of the next few steps. Bottom line, your feelings deserve to be thanked for their service. Feelings are communication with ourselves. Even if inappropriate, wrong, or harmful, they are still very real, and very impactful. You’ve heard of “gut reactions”, I’m sure, and these can often tell us things our conscious brains don’t see (or don’t see quickly). Feelings serve a vital function in our lives; I would even argue that feelings are part of what tells us we are alive. Joy is the messenger of good experiences, success, and pleasing outcomes. Sadness heralds in lost moments, unfortunate events, or misadventures. Frustration is a sign of dwindling personal resources and fatigue (mental, emotional, or physical). Feelings keep you aware of yourself and your surroundings, and help connect you to the world and other human beings. That’s a big job, so appreciate the hard work your feelings put in.

4) Take a moment to reflect and find things to be grateful for. I don’t mean the meaningless “be grateful for what you have,” “ your life isn’t so bad,” “someone else has it worse” nonsense that only make you feel bad about yourself for feeling anything in the first place. I’m talking about helping to put things into perspective from a realistic and helpful place. Your goal isn’t to invalidate your feelings and suppress them; your goal is to bolster yourself and hold yourself up. There is a technique used to help people with anxiety that focuses on the five senses to ground them and bring them into a present-minded place. Similarly, there is a trick to use for gratitude. So try this: think of 5 joys, 4 objects, 3 people, 2 places, and 1 experience that you are thankful for. A joy can be anything from your favorite candy bar to the birth of your child. An object is any tangible thing you possess. People - that’s obvious. Places could be a favorite vacation spot or even your couch. And experiences, I’m sure you’ve had many, but just pick one. When you think of them, simply say, "Thank you for being in my life".

5) Pull out a mirror (or phone) and look at yourself. You need to be able to see your own lips moving for this one. Your goal here is to watch yourself as you say: "Thank you for being you. I love you." It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, and it might feel silly, but the act of saying, seeing, and hearing can help you mind focus and open itself to new ideas. And self-appreciation is always a good bonus to have.

Phase 2 - Reinforce

So you’ve managed to build yourself up a bit more. Once you’re feeling ready (please do take your time), you can use these steps to not only strengthen yourself, but to protect you from future insult or injury. Reinforcement is about taking preventative steps, which means you need to be willing to make some life changes to get them to work.

1) Take responsibility for your part in the problem. Very rarely are situations truly one-sided. Everyone has a part in human interactions. Even if you “did nothing wrong,” you still have a role with responsibilities. You choose your actions and responses. And you choose how to react in the future. This isn’t about assigning blame or determining who is right or wrong. This is about understanding that even when you are hurt, you are still responsible for your own feelings. Even if someone else’s behavior hurt you, you still have the power to command yourself. Understanding your power is crucial for avoiding hurt feelings in the future.

2) Change what you can, and accept what you cannot. Similar to the first step of Phase 1, you need to understand that other people may never change, and even if they do, it is by their own choice. You cannot control or change them yourself. We live in a “fix-it” society, where we feel a constant pressure to immediately solve problems. This inevitably leads to more tension and strife. It is critical to understand that there are something you can directly change, and some things that you cannot change. So resolve to change the things you can (i.e. yourself) and accept the things you cannot change (i.e. other people). Understand also that accepting does not mean agreeing or tolerating, it means relieving yourself of the burden of fixing the unfixable.

3) Establish personal boundaries. This might be a tough one. Boundaries can be difficult to establish and enforce at the best of times. They can be almost impossible to maintain in relationships and interactions where you have less social power (especially when dealing with toxic bosses, living with parents, or otherwise dealing with people you rely on). The important thing here is not establishing a boundary for other people’s behavior, but for your own. You need to know your values and expectations, or you will be taken by surprise when someone offends you. Boundaries also help prevent problems from making their way into other parts of your life. Staying focused and keeping things separate is key. By understanding and establishing boundaries, you can buffer yourself against other people’s actions against you (intentional or not).

4) Develop a support network. It doesn’t matter if it’s one person or ten. It doesn’t matter if they’re in-person or online or penpals (do people still have those?). Human beings need other people. We need people we can trust and rely on. We need second opinions. Your goal here is to build some kind of support network that works for you. Knowing that you have people who have your back can give a much-needed boost to confidence and resistance to future pain.

5) Practice Phase 1 every time you are hurt. Consistent and persistent effort is required for success in everything, and your own feelings are no exception. Every time you feel offended, angry, frustrated, or hurt by something someone else does, run through the steps to rebuild yourself and get back to neutral. The more you do it, the easier it will get, and the more resistant to hurt you will be. Of course, true immunity from the cruelty of others (again, intentional or not) is difficult to come by, so chances are, you will get hurt many times in your life. The point isn’t to avoid being hurt, it is to strengthen your emotional muscles and become stronger.

Afterparty

You made it through the steps! You practiced rebuilding yourself and have started to develop your reinforcements. It’s an ongoing process, and it never truly ends, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to celebrate!
If there is anything that we get kicked out of us early in life, it is a sense of celebration. Life can be tough, almost impossible to get through sometimes. But every day you wake up and keep pushing. That alone is worth celebrating. Now, of course, I’m not talking about shallow and meaningless joy at achieving mediocrity. I’m talking about a genuine sense of gratitude for yourself. You are working, trying, failing, succeeding. Every day you are alive, you deserve to be appreciated, especially by yourself. So while you’re at it, stop and say, “Thank you, me.”

Getting hit hurts, and criticism hits like nothing else. Even the thickest skin can start to feel worn down after long enough.

Most criticism isn't meant as scathingly as it is offered. Dealing with that is another article.
But there are some people who relish in bringing pain to others. Those are the people we're going to focus on here.

Getting out of hurt can take time, and here are some steps to get out and move on:

Step 1 - Reflect

Your feelings are here, and they're real. Spend time reflecting on them, getting familiar with them, and accepting their presence.
You need to know what you're working with before you can start making changes.
Reflect on the "what" and "why" of your emotions - what am I feeling? Anger, sadness, confusion? and why am I feeling this way? Pride, surprise, violated boundary?
Once you have a grasp on this, you can move on.

Step 2 - Rebuild

What was said was said, and it can't be unsaid. Maybe your critic didn't mean to be harsh, maybe they did. Maybe they're sorry, maybe they're not.
Don't spend you time on them just yet. You come first here.
First, thank your feelings. They serve a purpose, and they did their job. So practice some gratitude towards yourself.
Next, change what you can change and ignore what you can't. You can change you, so work on that. You can't change your critic, so don't bother trying to.
Take the time you need to get back your sense of "normal" - independently of your critic.
If there's something to learn from the criticism, learn it. If not, dismiss it wholesale.

Step 3 - Reinforce

Protecting yourself from future hurt is just as important as recovering from it.
Start by setting some boundaries. You might not be able to control how your critic acts, but you can absolutely control their access to you and what you take in.
Prepare some canned responses for your interactions - these can disarm and deescalate a critic's momentum. And they buy you time to think.
Find support. Surround yourself with health relationships. They'll help counteract the bad ones.
Breathe, walk, count - find something that helps you focus and reset.

Step 4 - Reaffirm

Show yourself some more gratitude and keep practicing your efforts to rebuild and reinforce yourself. And as a bonus - take some time to relax. You've certainly earned it.

Positive thinking has been a mainstay of the human experience for… forever.

Even in bygone generations where emotional expression was limited or discouraged (at least as compared to now), the notion of maintaining a positive attitude and practice was still prevalent. Pulling oneself up from their bootstraps, never giving up, or making lemonade from life-imposed lemons - all culturally-ingrained words of encouragement and support; a reminder that all you need is a can-do attitude.

In recent years, there has been a growing movement of self-acceptance and positive thinking. But rather than becoming as intended - a force for personal growth and development - we took a cue from previous generations and applied a vapid, imposing, and even belligerent manner of thinking about ourselves and others in a positive light.
Positive thinking - maintaining a hopeful attitude through adversity - is inherently constructive. It is the force that allows us to pursue our goals, to overcome struggle, and to achieve greater things than we could before. But positive thinking takes many forms, and I don’t know if we forgot that or never really knew it, but it has become a source of pain and strife for a great many people.

I chose three words to describe the current state of positive thinking - vapid, imposing, and belligerent. It is by those metrics we will challenge the current approach to positive thinking, and by those same metrics we will uncover an alternative.

To say that positive thinking is vapid is to reflect upon the statements we make to ourselves and others that are, frankly, empty. They sound nice, but are truly, painfully, empty. Even a statement such as “see the good in everything” is devoid of useful meaning. “Just be happy,” “focus on the positive,” “keep moving forward.” All pleasant things to say, but what do you do with them? They offer nothing actionable or reflective.

The imposing nature of positive thinking is deeply intermixed with its vapidity. When you have nothing better to say, you say only what you know. You make a vapid statement because something must be said. You may be right, in actuality or by technicality, but that statement makes no practical difference in your life or the lives of others. But since it is such a present and pressing reminder, and because you must say something, that truth takes up mental and emotional space.

And belligerence. Ah, belligerence. I’ve scarcely seen such aggressive and disapproving individuals as those who vehemently adhere to positive thinking. The number of conversations that end prematurely because they do not conform to an image of positivity and happiness is mounting. The intent behind positive thinking has transformed into a refusal to accept the reality of negative experiences. And for those who profess joy and pleasantness, the zeal with which they react is truly ablaze, and with all of the self-awareness of a raging inferno the irony is lost.

Now what do we do with this? The natural reaction to counter such aggressive and hostile positivity is to bring to the fore a force of negativity to rival. But that has historically failed quite dramatically, resulting in counter-cultures and counter-counter-cultures, and roundabout arguments that seek no true resolution.
No, now we examine those three metrics again: vapid, imposing, and belligerent.

To eschew vapidity, we must instead endeavor to do that which positive thinking shields us from - confronting the reality we are in. And then we tailor our words to match. No more generalized, technical truths. Speak to the circumstance. Failure? “This is a struggle. You have succeeded so far, and I believe in you.” Personal tragedy? “There is nothing I can say to change this, but we will get through it in time.” There must be a connection, whether with yourself or others, in order for there to be meaning.

Nobody likes being imposed upon. Yet there is a social and personal pressure to say something, even if there is no acceptable or helpful thing to be said. So what instead? One option is say nothing. There may be a better time, or you may need time to formulate a better statement. Pause and ask if your words are timely. Another option is removing expectations and replace them with support. Remove the desire for a specific outcome, and allow what happens to happen. Be patient.

And finally… belligerence. This might be a tough one, since there is an ever-pervasive social attitude that convinces people of the sovereignty of their own thoughts and feelings. The answer here? Let it be. People, you included, are sometimes just going to do things. Agreeable or not, right or not, it doesn’t matter. Agonizing over it leads to resentment and reactivity. Detach from your own stringent ideas of how things should be, and focus instead on what they are. In your interactions with others, you’ll see a marked change in their willingness to accept your ideas, and when talking to yourself, you will strip away the self-loathing and frustration of failing to be your ideal self.

Positive thinking is not a bad thing. Moralizing it is unhelpful. However, we do need to alter our approach. Temper our positive thoughts with patience, kindness, detachment, and a willingness to accept what comes. For unless you can tell the future, you’re going to be hit with all manner of unexpected experiences, and it’s most helpful to be part of your life rather than fight it.